The Empty Cradle
by Vol lady
Summary: It's 1881. Nick is making his formal proposal to Nancy, and Audra is keeping a secret.
1. Chapter 1

The Empty Cradle

January 1881

Chapter 1

J.J. had a tendency to start crying when the sky first began to lighten, meaning he gave his parents a bit of a break during the early winter days, but for some reason, it was still dark when he began to wail on New Year's Day of 1881. His parents rolled over in bed and moaned.

"I'm glad I'm not in college anymore," Jarrod muttered.

Maggie found the strength to laugh. "Why would you say that now?"

"Because if I were in college, I'd be hung over on New Year's Day. As it is, I think I'm half hung over."

Maggie sat up on the side of the bed and put her robe and slippers on. "Don't worry, Pappy. I'll see what the little man wants – and I suspect I know what he wants. You sleep some more. I'll feed him and quiet him down."

"Hmmm," Jarrod said as his wife lit the small lamp by the bedside and took it with her to the nursery.

Jarrod thought he'd drift right off again, but he didn't. He could hear his wife cooing and speaking softly to J.J. in the nursery next door, and he found he wanted to listen to her voice for as long as he could hear it. It was soft, loving, so comfortable and soothing. He could lie here and listen to it all day long.

He heard her begin to sing a lullaby and thought she might very well send him off to dreamland with their son, but he didn't drift off. Instead, he found himself waking up even more, just to keep hearing her voice.

He lost track of time and wasn't sure how long it was before she came back to bed. "Well, he's happy again now," she said and climbed back in beside her husband.

Jarrod rolled on his side and kissed her, deeply and passionately. "You are going to tell me when I can expect to receive my wifely duties again, aren't you?"

Maggie laughed. "He was a big baby! It won't be long now, I promise, but it's only 4 o'clock in the morning anyway. You promised to let me sleep till six when we got married, remember?"

Jarrod kissed her neck. "I don't recall that being part of the vows."

"Funny, but when YOU want to sleep you remember them quite well."

Jarrod sighed and rested on his back again. "All right, another hour or two, if J.J. permits."

Maggie rolled onto her side and kissed him, deeply and passionately. "You've been very patient with me since J.J. was born. I promise you, it won't be very long before I take advantage of you every chance I get."

"I thought that was part of MY vows."

Maggie laughed and kissed him again.

XXXXXXX

It was nearing ten o'clock in the morning when Victoria and Audra arrived at the orphanage with a wagon load of food and other supplies. Stockton seemed quieter than usual – perhaps because so much celebrating had gone on the night before and into the early morning hours. But the children at the orphanage had needs that did not change just because the calendar rolled over into a new year and much of Stockton had terrible hangovers.

As soon as they pulled up, Nancy came out of the building, calling, "Good morning!"

"Good morning," Victoria and Audra both said as they climbed out of the wagon.

Victoria said, "Nick is right behind us – I think. He celebrated a bit much last night, so he's not moving as quickly as he ought to."

Nancy smiled. "So after he brought me home, he went out on the town?"

"No, he came home, but he and Heath had their own celebration around the pool table and the liquor bottles."

"Jarrod and Carl were there, too, but of course they had Maggie and me to keep them in line, somewhat, and get them home early," Audra said.

"Well, I suppose next year it'll be you and Maggie and Suzanne and me keeping them in line."

Victoria sighed with a smile. "It's hard to believe my children are finally settling down. I thought it might never happen."

Audra began to lift the baskets of food out of the wagon, handing them to Victoria and Nancy. "Let's get the food inside. The children ought to be ready for their mid morning snack and Silas sent lots of cookies and milk."

As they began to head inside, they saw Nick coming into town. Nancy laughed. He was riding a bit slower than usual, and he was a little slumped over.

"Bad headache this morning," Victoria said. "Heath bounced back pretty well and took off to mind the herd, but Nick is having a little more trouble."

They waited for him to arrive, and Nancy gave him a lusty, "Good morning, Nick!"

Nick winced at the volume, but he tried to straighten up and smile as he dismounted. He hitched his horse and brought Nancy a good morning kiss. "It is now," he said.

"Nick, can you bring these other things inside?" Victoria said. "We have the food."

Audra paused for a moment as her mother and Nancy went inside and Nick began to bring in the other things. Audra kept a close eye on how he was doing, carrying in the blankets and clothing and books and games. She was picturing how each of the orphans inside was going to react to the gifts. She had come to know them as individuals over the years, not just a herd of parentless children. She knew that Bobby liked books but did not like a blanket over him when he napped. She knew that Mary Ann liked playing with a ball better than playing with a doll.

Audra adored them, each one of them. Lately, the feeling was more intense, so much so that she often felt tears coming and had to hide them. She didn't want her mother or Nancy seeing her cry. They would want to know why. She wasn't ready to tell them what had happened. Carl had suggested she tell her mother at least, but she couldn't. She didn't know how.

It took Nick several trips to get everything inside, and he only caught bits and snatches of the women talking with the nuns and some of the children. When he finished, he had to go to the kitchen to find his mother, sister and fiancee.

"Can you ladies spare me for a little while?" he asked, watching as they were preparing the children's snacks. "I have a brief errand to run."

"Of course," Audra said.

"We'll see you in a little while," Victoria said.

Nick gave Nancy a peck on the cheek. "Be back in a bit. Keep my mother and sister out of trouble."

"Who's going to keep you out of trouble?" Nancy asked.

"My hangover," Nick said and went out.

Nick unhitched his horse and rode the half mile or so to the train depot. The early train from San Francisco had come in, and the platform was full of freight and mail packages. Chad, the depot clerk, was checking things in.

"Morning, Chad," Nick said.

Chad rubbed his forehead. "Morning, Mr. Barkley."

"Ah, you had a happy new year, too, huh?"

"The morning after isn't too happy."

"Welcome to the club. Do you know if a package came in for me in the morning mail from San Francisco?"

Chad motioned Nick back into the office, where he went behind the desk and fetched a fairly small package. "I grabbed it fast. It's so small, I didn't want to lose it."

Nick took the package, and instantly his hangover disappeared. He opened it right away, and took out a very small box from a jeweler in San Francisco. "It's the ring for my fiancée. Thanks for looking after it for me, Chad."

"My pleasure," Chad said. "You Barkleys are getting married right and left these days."

"Well, by this time next year we ought to have it all wrapped up. And maybe we'll have another little Barkley or two running around."

Chad smiled. He was one of the people who had been on the receiving end of Jarrod's rage when he lost his first wife, Beth. Something in the back of his courage still shivered whenever Jarrod Barkley was around, but it was easing off, and Chad was genuinely happy to see things were beginning to work out for the Barkley clan in the marriage department. "Happy to have all the Barkleys you can provide."

With a grin and a sudden surge of energy, Nick hustled back out to the street and to his horse. He let his horse trot a little faster back to the orphanage. He wanted to propose properly and give this ring to Nancy with all the children and his mother and sister watching. He knew everyone would get a thrill out of it, and he couldn't think of a better way to start 1881.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

This January just didn't seem like a January at all. It was already unusually hot at ten in the morning, and Heath watched his men drinking a lot of water. Every now and then one of them would look at him like he could actually do something about the weather. If anybody asked him, he planned to say that the weather was Nick's department.

The foreman, McCall, came riding over. "You know, it seems silly to be down here on the winter range."

"Yeah, I hear you," Heath said. "If this temperature stays up, we'll be wanting to take them back up north by next week."

"Troy just came back from scouting Brady Creek. He says there's already some green grass in the valley there. Maybe we head this herd over there. You know this weather is gonna go cold again before long and we'll be right back down here."

"Not a bad idea. Let's do that, but send somebody back to the ranch to tell Nick where we are when he gets back from town."

"Well, might take Nick a while in town."

They both smiled at each other. Heath said, "That ring's due in today, isn't it?"

McCall nodded. "I can't believe it. Nick Barkley getting married. You I can see. You got a gentle way with the ladies, but Nick, he's never learned the finer points."

"He must have picked them up somewhere, because that Nancy is a treasure."

"I haven't talked to her much, but she is a sweet-looking woman."

"She's kind, and she's patient with Nick. That's all that counts, ain't it?"

"Guess you're right!" McCall laughed and turned his horse to go find someone to ride into the ranch for Nick.

Heath kept his smile as he thought about Nick asking Nancy "formally" for her hand today. He kind of wished he was there to see it, Nick down on one knee. So it wasn't going to be a big surprise, since she'd already agreed to marry him, but somehow today seemed more like the real thing.

Then Heath thought about Suzanne, wishing he'd gone to town with Nick to visit with her. But there wouldn't have been as much time as he wanted, and one of them needed to be out here anyway.

Then Heath thought about his other siblings and how in a few months they would all be married. He shook his head with a chuckle. Not six months ago he was worried that he would be the only one left unmarried, and now his life was completely turned around. Now all their lives were completely turned around. The only cloud on the horizon was Jarrod's illness.

Why did that thought have to creep in? Heath's smile faded, but he went back to work to get rid of it. He didn't want any clouds in his thoughts this morning. He just wanted to picture Nick down on one knee.

XXXXX

It wasn't long after Heath went back to work that Nick headed back to the orphanage. He passed by Sheriff Madden, who was walking toward him. Nick waved down from his horse.

Sheriff Madden returned the wave and yelled, "You know what day this is, don't you?"

Nick thought about it – and remembered. It was January 1. He remembered last January 1. "You're gonna keep that hanging over me for the rest of your life, aren't you?"

Sheriff Madden laughed. "No, but I think I'll remind you now and then so you don't end up in the same fix."

Nick gave him a laugh and another wave. He couldn't blame the sheriff much for his revenge for last January 1, because it had led to him finding Nancy.

Nick rode on to the orphanage. He hitched his horse again and went inside, where he found his mother, his sister and his fiancée overseeing milk and cookies. He grinned from ear to ear. Each one of those women – the most important women in his life – looked so natural and happy with all those little kids around them that he couldn't help picturing them with his own children around them. He wanted a bunch – or at least as many as Nancy agreed to give him.

Nancy looked up and saw him, smiling. "Here's Mr. Nick!" she said out loud to the children.

The other women, including the nuns, and all the children looked up. Nick felt like he was being called in front of the church to do the Bible reading as he came forward. "Well, is everybody getting full of milk and cookies?"

All the children made various affirmative noises.

"Is everybody ready for a surprise?"

The kids got even more excited.

"Okay, okay," Nick said. "Now, I want you boys to pay real close attention to this, because someday, you're gonna want to know how to do this, and I am the best in the world at it."

Nick walked over to Nancy, got down on one knee, took her hand and took the ring out of his pocket. "Miss Nancy, will you marry me?"

Nancy laughed happily, nodding, and Nick put the ring on her finger. The children cheered. Then Nick stood up and kissed her. A round of "Ew!"s went around the room.

"You're gonna like that someday, too," Nick told them.

"Are you still gonna come see us when you get married, Miss Nancy?" some little child asked.

"Of course, I am," she said. "I just got here – you can't get rid of me that fast!"

Victoria kissed her middle son's cheek. "Congratulations, again, Nick," she said.

Audra kissed him and wished him congratulations, too, and then even the nuns congratulated him and Nancy. Nick took a moment to put his arm around Nancy and kiss her again, and a fresh chorus of "Ew!" went up, but it was followed with a lot of laughter this time.

Nick looked at Nancy. "How about we have a dozen or so of these?"

Audra turned away.

Nancy looked startled. "Well, let's just see what happens, all right?"

"I got names already."

"I'll bet you do."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Jarrod?"

Jarrod got up from his desk and went into the nursery. Maggie was in the rocking chair, giving J.J. his mid-day feeding. Or trying to. J.J. was crying and squirming, and Maggie was looking worried.

"What's the problem?" Jarrod asked.

"J.J. won't eat, and he's really fussy," Maggie said. "I think he has a fever."

Maggie was usually all right without a housekeeper these days, but right now she wished they had not lost their housekeeper when Mrs. Borland left to go to one of her daughters' homes. She didn't know anything about babies' fevers, and she knew Mrs. Borland did.

Jarrod felt his son's forehead with the back of his hand. "Let's see. Aw, it doesn't seem like much."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, remembering my younger siblings, two of which are my junior by 14 and 15 years respectively," Jarrod said, "I do remember babies running fevers. Maybe it's just a cold."

"I'm probably the most inexperienced mother ever."

"I doubt that. And I don't pretend to be an expert on babies just because I had younger siblings. You've surely noticed that by now."

"We're both feeling our way, I know."

Jarrod kissed his wife and started to go back to work, but he turned for one more look, and she still looked very worried. Jarrod came back in and kissed her again.

"I'll be in the next room, and I'll check on you again in a few minutes just in case you both fall asleep," Jarrod said.

Maggie looked happier. "Thank you. I'd feel better."

Jarrod kissed her once more and left the nursery.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

As the herd came onto Brady Creek, the grass became greener, as promised, and the cattle began to feed and water happily – or at least as happily as cattle could be. Heath was near the rear of the herd, thinking idle thoughts, but as he caught sight of Brady Creek, his concern about his oldest brother's illness crept back into his mind, and he realized why.

Brady Creek was where everything had started, many months ago now. This was where Adam Howard had nearly started a range war, blocking the Barkley's access to the creek, for reasons Heath never did know. As far as he was aware, no one knew – except Jarrod.

Luckily everything worked out back then. There was no range war, and Howard allowed them access to the creek, but this was where Jarrod had made up his mind to leave Stockton and move to San Francisco for good, because he knew his secret was the cause of Howard's anger toward the Barkleys. This was where this strange, crazy time in the life of the Barkleys began.

It had wonderful parts and terrible parts, and the most terrible was Jarrod's illness. When Howard almost started this range war, Jarrod was already sick, but he hadn't told anyone. It was another secret he'd kept. Heath realized he associated Brady Creek with Jarrod's illness because this was where that secret – the secret that he was sick – sent him away from them.

Oh, he said it was his clients' secrets that caused him to leave, but Heath knew that was just a small piece of his thinking. The big one was the fact that he knew he had a bad heart and he wanted to keep that secret to himself. And he had made up his mind about it here, as they drove the herd to Brady Creek so many months ago.

Heath was quiet as they broke for lunch, sitting alone and not talking with anyone. The men knew him well enough to leave him alone when he was like this. He was thinking, and there was no disturbing him, because he wouldn't talk. After eating, Heath went back to watching the herd with the rest of the men, and before long, Nick rode up.

Nick had a big grin, and Heath found the diversion in his thinking that he needed. He smiled. "So, is it official now?" Heath asked. "Did she still say yes?"

"You know she said yes," Nick said. "It's official."

"Well, then, we got to decide when we're going to get married. Suzanne and I been talking and we want to do it in September."

"September, huh? Well, Nancy and I haven't discussed it yet."

"I wouldn't get married in June if I were you. Audra would have a fit."

"No, June's too early anyway. Maybe October, just after J.J.'s birthday. We can put him in a little wagon and roll him down the aisle to bring the ring."

Heath laughed. "You think that kid's gonna stay in that wagon?"

Nick thought about it. "You're right. He won't. Never saw such a fidgeting baby. As soon as he figures out he can be mobile, Jarrod and Maggie are gonna be run ragged."

"When you talk to Nancy about the date, I'd skip the part about J.J. in the wagon. We can get to details like that later on."

"Guess so," Nick said, but suddenly he thought about Jarrod and his situation, too. Maybe it was also being at Brady Creek that brought Nick that same black cloud that had been after Heath, or maybe it was because he had idly thought that maybe Jarrod would be his best man. But come October, would he be able to? Would he even be here?

"Why the frown?" Heath asked.

"I don't know," Nick said. "Maybe this place – what happened here with Adam Howard, Jarrod moving away back then. Seems like lots of things changed for all of us, but for some reason, Jarrod being sick just sticks in my mind."

"I was thinking about the same thing when we got here, but I remembered. Good things have happened, too, Nick, for us and for him."

Nick smiled again. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Okay, you get married in September, and I'll talk to Nancy about us getting married in October, and at least we'll have that much decided."

Heath nodded an agreement, and they got back to work.

XXXXXXX

Maggie was putting J.J. down for the night, but he was still fidgety and crying, and his forehead still felt hot. "Jarrod, I don't know what's going on with J.J.," she said to her husband who was in the living room, just outside the nursery door.

Jarrod came in. "Is he worse?" he asked, and felt J.J.'s forehead with the back of his hand.

"I don't think so," Maggie said. "He's just still fussy and still a little warm."

"Well, let's see about this – " Jarrod said, and he opened J.J.'s mouth and ran a finger across his gums. "Aha. He's cutting a tooth."

"Already?" Maggie was astonished. "Isn't it early for that?"

"Not in my family. Eugene was about this age when he started teething. Bit my finger almost clean off."

"What can we do?"

"We'll try what my mother did," Jarrod said. He went back into the living room, and when he returned, he had a glass of brandy with him. While Maggie held J.J., Jarrod dipped his finger into the brandy and then ran the brandy over J.J.'s unhappy gums.

"Brandy?" Maggie said, unbelieving.

"Does double duty," Jarrod said. "Eases the pain, and gives the little guy a tiny dose of a tranquilizer. Anyway, it can't hurt and it might work. Let me hold him for a while. Come here, you little troublemaker."

Jarrod took J.J. into his arms and, talking to him as soothingly as he could, he began to walk about the house with him. In a little while, he began to sing to him, an old lullaby that popped into his head. He remembered his mother singing it to Audra and Eugene.

Maggie leaned against the doorframe of the nursery and watched her husband calm their baby down. She smiled. Jarrod never looked so serene, so happy, and J.J. began to quiet down. Even after J.J. stopped crying and squirming, Jarrod continued to walk with him and sing to him. It was beautiful to see.

Jarrod took the baby into the nursery and laid him down into the crib. J.J. was comfortably asleep.

His parents looked down at him, arms around each other. "I never knew I could be so happy," Jarrod said.

Jarrod kissed his wife, who smiled up at him. "Me, either. Thank you."

"I'm the one who should be thanking you, my darling," Jarrod said and kissed her again. "For giving me this little – well, I guess 'angel' is quite the right word tonight, is it?"

Maggie laughed softly. "We'll see how the rest of the night goes and then decide whether he gets a halo or not."

XXXXXXX

At the Wheeler ranch, Audra and Carl settled into bed at around ten, expecting to be getting up at five, as usual. As Carl put the light out, Audra said, "The orphans got such a big kick out of watching Nick propose to Nancy. It really made for a special day."

Carl kissed his wife. "You really love those kids, don't you?"

"Oh, if I could bring every one of them home with me, I would."

"I'm afraid we don't have the room." Carl settled back, but his mind didn't settle. "Audra, you still haven't told your family, have you?"

Audra knew what he was talking about. She didn't like thinking about it, much less talking about it, but she said, "No, I haven't."

"I think if you talked to your mother about it, you'd feel a lot better."

Audra squeezed her eyes closed, but the tears leaked out anyway. "I don't know."

Carl propped himself up on an elbow and kissed Audra on the eyes. He knew she'd be crying, and he wanted to comfort her in any way he could. "You know I love you, don't you?"

"Will you always love me, Carl? Or will it change when the years go by and I haven't given you a child?"

Carl kissed her on the eyes again. "I'm as sorry as you are that we won't have children of our own, but I didn't marry a baby factory. I married Audra Barkley, the girl I've been in love with since I first knew how to fall in love. That won't change, Audra."

"I hope not."

Carl took her by the chin and turned her face to his. He kissed her as passionately as he could. "I will let you know every day of our lives that I am in love with you. Will that help?"

Audra finally smiled. "Yes."

"And I still think it's time you told your mother. I know you'll feel a lot better after you talk to her about it. And I want you to think some more about whether you'd like to adopt one of those orphans you love so much."

"Oh, Carl, I couldn't adopt just one of them or even ten of them. The ones we didn't adopt would feel so abandoned. I couldn't do that to them."

Carl sighed. "I understand, and I won't push it. But someday you may find your mind changing, especially when you start missing the patter of little feet around the house. Just promise me you will talk to your mother, and you will keep your mind open to adoption, when the time is right for you."

Audra swallowed. They'd had this conversation several times since Audra found out three months earlier that she could not have a child. She really did want to adopt a child, but how could she choose among the orphans she loved and leave all the others behind?

"I'll think more about talking to Mother," she said, "and I'll keep my mind open."

Carl leaned over and kissed her again. "I love you, Mrs. Wheeler. Sleep well."

Audra smiled. "I love you, too."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It was only a few days later when Audra came back to the orphanage, bringing cookies she had made and lots of fresh milk. She came alone this time, and sooner than she usually did. She felt the need.

She and Carl had talked almost every night about her inability to have children. It bothered her that much. It didn't seem to grate on Carl quite as badly, but Audra feared – no, she knew – that gradually, as time went by and there were no heirs in their home, he could come to resent it. He might even seek a divorce to find another woman who could give him children, or have his children with some other woman without marriage. The possibility terrified Audra. She didn't know what to do about it.

The children greeted her with big smiles and hugs, and as usual, that made her feel both much better and much worse. She had her own longings for children that being with the orphans both satisfied and hurt her.

"Maybe the doctor's just wrong," Carl had said the night before. "Maybe you can have a baby."

"He seemed to think I just wasn't built right, that there was something wrong inside," Audra said.

"He could be wrong," Carl had said. "And if not, Audra, we can adopt a child. It doesn't have to be one from the orphanage."

"Even if we adopt some other way, they'll know. They'll feel like I rejected them."

"Sweetheart, you're throwing obstacles up when you don't have to," Carl said. "You're worrying about things that right now aren't worth worrying about."

Audra had never told Carl about her fear that she'd leave him to find someone who could give him children, but she figured that he knew that was part of her concern. She just didn't know how to talk about it.

Audra helped the nuns get the cookies and milk ready for the orphan's mid-morning snack, but even the nuns could tell that lately, something wasn't right. Sister Theresa was the first to finally say something, but when she asked if everything was all right, Audra just said that it was.

"Well," the sister said, "if you ever do need to talk about anything, you know that we are all here. We're your friends."

Audra smiled, but it was just a front. She said, "I know, thank you, but it's something I have to work through by myself."

She didn't stay as long as she normally did, making up an excuse that the children seemed to accept. There were hugs and love all around when she left. In tears, she started away from the orphanage in the buggy.

And immediately ran into Jarrod coming into town. On horseback, he pulled up to greet her. She didn't want to, but she had to stop.

Jarrod dismounted and came to the buggy to give Audra a hello kiss. Audra didn't have time to brush her tears away, and Jarrod saw them even before kissing her.

"Hey, what's this?" he asked. "Are you that unhappy to see me?"

"No," Audra said, laughing a little and then wiping the tears off. "It's just – I just saw the orphans. It makes me a little sad, knowing they don't have any parents." It was a good line. Jarrod would buy it.

But he didn't. "You sure that's all it is? You don't usually cry just over that."

"Well, this time I have," Audra said.

"All right," Jarrod said, backing off both emotionally and physically. "You heading home?"

"Yes."

"Why don't you stay in town a little longer? I have to file some papers with the recording office, but why don't you join me for a little lunch at the Stockton House?"

She hesitated. "I really ought to get home, and so should you."

Jarrod gave her one of those looks with his eyebrows raised. "No time for your big brother today? Maggie knows it might be after lunch before I get back, and it's been a long time since we lunched together. Come on."

When he looked at her that way, her defenses always fell off. "All right."

Jarrod remounted, saying, "Good. Come on over to the recording office and hitch up there, and we'll walk to the Stockton House together."

Audra nodded and followed him to the recording office.

In only a few minutes, they were sitting together at the Stockton House, and Audra had to admit, it was good to be having lunch with her Pappy again. There were many times, before they each married, that they would sit and talk and eat slowly at this café. Over the last year, they hadn't lunched together at all. First Jarrod closing his office here, and then marriage had changed everything for both of them.

"You're right," Audra said. "This is nice. I didn't realize until now how long it's been since we had lunch together like this."

They had ordered and now there was just the two of them, like it had been before when Jarrod worked here in town and Audra would join him for lunch. "It's been since before I closed the office here," Jarrod said. "You used to join me and tell me all your problems."

"And you'd fix them for me," Audra said wistfully.

Jarrod shook his head. "I didn't fix anything. You talked things out with me and figured out how to fix them yourself. But I kind of get the feeling that you've got a problem now you don't think you can fix."

"I wish you wouldn't read my mind," Audra said.

"Well," Jarrod said, "sometimes I can't help it. What's the trouble, honey? Talk to me."

Audra shook her head. "I can't. Not this time."

Jarrod looked at her for a few moments before he spoke. "You know, not so long ago I carried my own problem and thought I had to do it alone. It took a long talk with Heath before I realized I had to let it go and let all of you carry it with me, that I wasn't doing anybody any favors keeping it to myself, least of all me."

Audra looked up at him, steadily into his eyes. "How do you do it, Jarrod?"

"Do what?"

"Get through every day knowing – knowing – " She couldn't find the right words.

Jarrod understood. "I don't know. Some days I don't feel like I'm carrying it very well at all, but it's something that can't be fixed, only carried. I have a good life, honey. Best of all is that I have a family who loves me and who helps me get through every day, knowing. The load gets lighter when you share it."

Audra shook her head and looked down at the table. "I don't know how to share this one."

"Does Carl know?"

Audra nodded.

"Well, that's a start. If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to, but maybe talking to Mother would help."

"That's what Carl says."

"Smart man," Jarrod said.

Abruptly, even before she realized she was saying it, Audra softly said, "Jarrod, I can't have children."

Jarrod straightened. It was a shock, to be sure. "How do you know that?"

"A few months ago I was having a lot of pain, and I saw Dr. Merar. I had been withchild and didn't know it, but I miscarried."

"Oh, Audra – "

"Dr. Merar said that there was something wrong with me, something about the way I'm made – I can't have children. Never."

She was in tears again. Jarrod reached over and wiped them from her face. "Sweetheart, I'd do anything to fix this one for you, but I can't."

"I'd do anything to fix your heart for you, but I can't."

Jarrod smiled a little. "Everybody has things that can't be fixed. Part of becoming an adult is learning to deal with those things. If you can't have a child, that's not the end of everything. You can adopt."

Audra quickly shook her head. "I could never choose among those orphans. I love them all. To choose one would be to reject the rest, and I can't do that."

"There are other orphans in the world – "

"Jarrod, I can't. I just can't."

Jarrod took hold of her hand and squeezed it. "Then don't, not until you're ready. You remember when Beth was killed, and I went off half crazy?"

Audra nodded.

"Nick and Heath brought me home, but you know I wasn't myself for a long, long time. I remember something Nick said to me at the time. I think of it again every time I feel like the world is closing in on me. He said 'don't think the way you feel today is the way you'll feel forever.' I never thought of Nick as a philosopher, but that really stuck with me."

Audra smiled a little. "He got it from Mother. She's said it to me many times over the years."

"Ah, well, and here I thought our rough and tumble brother had finally started thinking deep thoughts."

Audra laughed.

Jarrod squeezed her hand. "Talk to Mother, Audra. Let her help you with this. I won't say a word to Nick or Heath or even Eugene. I'll leave that up to you, but do talk to Mother. She deserves to know this, don't you think?"

Audra thought about it. "You're right. She does. She deserves to know if I can't give her a grandchild."

"She won't love you any less."

"I know that, Jarrod."

Their food came. Jarrod squeezed Audra's hand again and let it go so they could eat. And Audra had to admit to herself, the burden she was carrying seemed a little lighter now that Jarrod was helping her carry it. She decided, she would talk to her Mother that afternoon.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Audra!" Victoria cried when she saw Audra come in the front door. She got up from the settee in the living room, where she was doing some embroidery, and came to her daughter.

Audra kissed her mother on the cheek. "I hope I'm not disturbing anything."

"Not at all," Victoria said. "I was just working on a tablecloth for Suzanne and Heath, for the wedding."

"I guess you can't get started early enough on such things," Audra said as her mother led her back to the settee.

Victoria picked up the corner of the tablecloth that she had been working on. "What do you think?" Victoria was embroidering the corner in light pink roses with light green leaves. "I'll be working some darker colors in later," she said.

"It'll be beautiful, I'm sure," Audra said, and she started to wonder if she should have come here. She was losing her courage.

Victoria caught it. "Is there something wrong, Audra?"

"No – yes," Audra said. "I do want to talk to you."

"Sit down," Victoria said and sat on the settee, moving the tablecloth out of the way.

Audra sat beside her and took some deep breaths.

"What's wrong?" Victoria asked.

Audra took another deep breath. "I had lunch with Jarrod. He said I should talk to you about this. Mother, I have a problem."

Victoria felt a coldness starting inside. "What kind of problem?"

"A little while back, I had a bad pain, in my abdomen. I went to see Dr. Merar, and he told me it looked like I'd had a miscarriage."

Victoria reached for her daughter's hands.

"I'm all right," Audra assured her, "but he said something else. He said that because of the way I'm made or something like that, that I wouldn't be able to have children."

Victoria pulled her daughter into her arms. "Oh, Audra, how long have you known about this?"

"A few months," Audra said.

"Why didn't you tell me right away?"

Audra began to cry. "I didn't know how. I'm sorry, Mother, I didn't know how."

"Carl knows."

Audra nodded. "Of course, I told him right away, and he's been telling me I needed to talk to you about it, but I just didn't know how. Then I ran into Jarrod today as I was leaving the orphanage, and we had lunch together, and I just blurted everything out to him. He said I needed to talk to you, too."

"I'm glad you did, darling," Victoria said, and tried very hard not to cry. Audra did not need to see her cry, even though her heart was broken, not for herself, but for Audra and Carl.

"Mother, I wanted so much to have babies of my own," Audra said. "I wanted so much to give Carl a child and you a grandchild and I won't."

"Sweetheart, there's no need to concern yourself with me," Victoria said. "It's you and Carl that matter. And you must realize, you will keep on living, even without having babies of your own, and sometimes doctors are just wrong."

Audra leaned back, out of Victoria's arms, and wiped her eyes. "Dr. Merar seemed awfully sure."

"Even if he is right, there are other ways of having babies. Adoption – "

"Mother, I couldn't adopt a child. All those children in the orphanage that I didn't adopt would feel so rejected, and how could I choose? I can't choose."

"Listen to me, Audra," Victoria said. "Maybe you're not ready to adopt right now, but that doesn't mean you won't be ready next month or next year. For now, you just need to stay close to Carl and take care of yourself."

"Mother, what if Carl can't live without having children of his own that I can't give him?"

"What if he leaves you, is that what you mean? Is he acting resentful at all?"

"No, no, not at all, not yet anyway. But as time goes by, I know he'll miss having his own son. I know it."

"Don't go worrying about a future that may never happen," Victoria warned her. "There's more that keeps a man and woman together than having children."

Audra wiped her eyes again. "Carl says he married me, not a baby factory."

"He's loved you for a long, long time, Audra. Let the future take care of itself. By this time next year, you may find you do want to adopt and I'm certain Carl will love such a child as much as he would love one you gave birth to."

Audra sat back further, wiping her eyes more. After a while, she said, "Do you think we could have some tea?"

Victoria smiled and got up. "I think that would be a wonderful idea."

XXXXXXX

Audra spent the afternoon with her mother and arrived home just before Carl came in from working in the field. She had started pealing potatoes and took time to wipe her hands and come into the living room to greet her husband.

"Careful, I'm dirty," he said as they leaned in for a kiss.

"I just got in, so dinner's running a little late," Audra said.

"Then I'll have time to clean up real good. Where have you been?"

"Oh, I went to the orphanage, and then I had lunch with Jarrod, and then I went out to Mother's."

"Busy day."

"Carl," Audra took a deep breath. "I told Jarrod about me, and he said I should talk to Mother, too. So I talked to her."

"Well, good. I'm sure she put your mind at ease."

"A bit, yes. I should have told her before. I'd have been a lot easier to live with."

Carl leaned in and kissed her again. "You haven't been hard to live with at all. Did you talk to either your mother or your brother about adoption?"

"A little, but you know I'm not ready for that."

"I know. But just because you feel that way today doesn't mean you'll always feel that way."

Audra had to laugh. "You got that from my mother, didn't you?"

"Did I?" Carl asked, mostly himself. "Maybe, or maybe I just made it up. Just know I love you, Audra. We'll have plenty of troubles to work through over the years, just like anybody else. We'll work through this, too."

Carl leaned in for another kiss, and Audra gave it to him.

XXXXXX

Nick and Heath went into Stockton and collected Nancy and Suzanne for dinner together at the Cattlemen's. The men had made it a bit of a New Year's resolution, that they would take their fiancées to dinner in town at least twice a month. It gave Nancy and Suzanne a chance to dress up more than they usually did, and it gave Nick and Heath a chance to show them off.

"We've set the date," Heath said to everyone at the table, and Suzanne smiled. "September 22."

"Have you told Mother yet?" Nick asked.

"No, we just set it while we were walking over here."

Nick looked at Nancy. "I suppose we ought to go ahead and make our date final, too."

"You've chosen one?" Suzanne asked.

Nancy nodded. "October 25."

"Well, I suppose we'll just spring both of them on Mother at once," Heath said.

"She might faint," Suzanne said.

"Our mother never faints," Nick said. "She might jump up and cheer and run around the room, but she won't faint."

"Looks like Jarrod had it right when he said all you Barkleys would be married by this coming Christmas," Nancy said.

Nick lifted his glass of wine. "Brother Jarrod usually knows whereof he speaks. Let's have a toast."

Everyone raised their wine glass.

Nick said, "Here's to the blessed state of matrimony."

"And to five happily married Barkley couples at Christmas this year," Heath put in.

"And Mary Margaret being a little more talkative than she was last year," Nick said, remembered Eugene's wife and how reserved she had been.

"And maybe a new little Wheeler at the festivities?" Suzanne said.

"For J.J. to chase around," Nancy added.

And they finally clinked glasses.

XXXXXXX

Maggie fed J.J., but he was fussy and warm again, so Jarrod gave his gums a little rub with brandy and Maggie walked him around the house until he settled down. When he finally fell asleep, she put him in his crib.

Jarrod watched with a mixture of joy for Maggie and sadness for his sister. He could see her walking her own baby around to calm him, like Maggie was doing, but it wasn't going to happen. It hurt him to have his sister bring him a problem he couldn't do anything about. All her life he'd been there to help when she had a problem, but this one he couldn't fix.

Jarrod's eyes never could hide anything from Maggie. She came to him and kissed him and said, "What's bothering you tonight?"

Jarrod didn't feel free to tell Audra's problem to anyone, even Maggie. "Just a problem Audra came to me with while I was in town today."

"Nothing serious, I hope."

"It's not trivial, and it's bothering her a lot. She and Carl are all right, it's nothing like that, but it's something she shouldn't be keeping to herself. We'll see if she talks about it sometime soon."

Maggie respected his need to keep her secret. Being a lawyer, Jarrod had a lot of secrets to keep. She kissed him again. "Doesn't she usually follow her big brother's advice?"

Jarrod smiled. "Actually, yes, she does."

"Well, then, don't you go worrying too much over it. Maybe it will work itself out."

Jarrod put his arms around his wife. "What do you say we get ready to retire and then maybe work on helping me not worrying about it too much?"

"Mmmm," Maggie said, "I think I'll take big brother's advice, too."

The End


End file.
